Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
          Vladimir Makarov sat at the table in the main room of his safehouse, reading the newspaper. It was all the same these days. "Makarov Will Bomb Again", "Moscow Bank Robbed By Fearsome Terrorist", "Airport Massacre In Moscow", etc. etc. The papers were just boring now; he didn't need to read about something that he'd already planned and experienced. What he needed to do was stop procrastinating and figure out a way to assassinate that general. The one from America, the one called Shepherd. And this time he didn't just want to use explosives or rifles, he wanted to do this with style.
          He sat there contemplating for a while. Then the idea came to him. The perfect, glorious idea.
          Vladimir got up and headed into the kitchen.
          He opened the pantry and looked around. Crackers….peanut butter….some extra C4….aha! There it was. Vladimir pulled out the cake mix and closed the pantry doors.
          Next he needed the other ingredients. "Anatoly!" he shouted, and waited for a response. In this house you replied to Makarov within five seconds or bad things would happen. Sure enough, he heard Anatoly's shaky reply, "Yes, sir?"
          "Go find me some Windex, detergent, bleach, and stain removers. Now."
          "D-Do you want me to clean some things?" Then, hearing a silence, he added quickly, "O-Of course, sir!"  Makarov heard Anatoly's frantic footsteps begin to thump on the floor above him.
          He began examining the box. The recipe called for two cups of water, three teaspoons of vegetable oil, and two eggs to mix in with the cake powder. Turning on the tap he filled up one cup of hot water and set it aside, simultaneously reaching for the vegetable oil. He measured out one and one-half teaspoons and poured it into the water. Finally, Vladimir cracked one egg and poured that in also.
          Using the shears he cut open the cake mix bag and poured it all into the large bowl.  "Are you done yet, Anatoly?" he yelled while grasping the cup of water, oil, and egg. "What, sir?" Anatoly squeaked back from upstairs, and Makarov replied, "I said, are you done yet, Anatoly?!"  He smiled at the control he had over his followers as he poured in the remaining ingredients.
          Now he had to mix it up. Grabbing a large spoon, Vladimir swirled it around the bowl and waited, waited for the terrified Anatoly to come bustling in with the things he needed. At the same time he wondered how he was going to get this to Shepherd. Then it came to him.
          He would leave it in the safehouse before his departure. Shepherd had informed him that some of the Task Force would be coming here in a few days, attempting to kill him. He laughed out loud at the thought, he, VladMak(as he called himself in his mind but never, NEVER told anyone), being killed by a little group of men, led by a fool wearing a mask that made him look fifteen years old? Haha, very funny.
          Makarov finished mixing just as Anatoly came scrambling down the stairs, hands full of cleaning items. "Bring them over here." snarled Makarov. Anatoly spread them on the table and Makarov began to measure amounts. One and one-half teaspoon of detergent…One cup of combined Windex and bleach, and stain remover….and to mix things up, how about a flashbang? Sure, it would need the pin pulled out, but Shepherd's teeth would probably do that. And then the real fun would begin as the poisons began to affect him.
          Vladimir mixed in the items(the grenade did not help) and then poured them into a cake pan. Setting the oven to 275(why not undercook it while we're on this?) he pushed in the pan and then went back into the main room.
          "Where is Kiril?" growled Makarov, glaring at Anatoly in the doorway. Anatoly replied, "Upstairs, sir!" Makarov slowly climbed the steps and entered the east room. Kiril was using his laptop.
          Uh-oh.
          "Kiril…" Makarov began.
          "Wh-What s-s-sir?" Kiril chirped back, closing his laptop.
          He chose not to ask what Kiril was viewing. Probably that stupid website about those American things. Actually they'd originated in Japan, but he didn't care. All he knew was that the web history for the past few days showed a site called www.pokemon.com, and Makarov was disappointed by his childishness.
          As it appeared, so was Kiril.
          "Go speak to Anatoly and tell him that I need all of our weapons safely packed away and ready for transport. We're leaving tomorrow."
          Kiril nodded and fled down the stairs.
          Vladimir glanced around, checked that no one was looking, and then grabbed the laptop. Sitting down at a desk he searched for his email website and signed in. Signed in under his username, blood4$. He idled there for a minute, not typing anything or clicking. Then he had an idea.
          Entering the username ProudScot141, he clicked the 'check if user is online' button. And, by some strange stroke of luck, (Vladimir laughed to himself) he was online. He quickly engaged in a chat and typed;
          Hello, friend.
          Then came the response. It wasn't as angry as he'd expected.
          I haven't chatted with you before. Who are you?
          
                   Nobody, really. In your eyes, that is.
          You're not intimidating me, if that is your objective. Are you Meat or Royce, just joking around? I can always have you mop the entire base.

          
                   Vladimir smiled and continued,
          
                   I'm not Meat or Royce, you fool. You're making me laugh. You've been hunting me for days and days, attempting to stop me, but here you are, engaging in an ONLINE CHAT with your worst enemy. Yes, it's me, Makarov. >:D
          
                   Hundreds of miles away, sitting at his computer, Captain MacTavish dropped his mouth open.
          Then he found himself furiously typing a response with clicketeclickclickclackclicketclack noises.
          
                  I'm the one who can track you, you know. Terrorists never win.
          
                   But I will. Oh, it looks like I have to go now. The cake is done. Oh, and btw, I'd advise your balaclava'd friend to not come here, I still have those bombs. A lot of them. And I'll get you too, soon. Makarov <3

         
                   Then, with a ghastly grin, Vladimir closed the laptop and set it on the desk. He descended the stairs and took the cake out of the oven with no mitts. He didn't need them. Because he was Makarov. Vladimir iced the cake within a few minutes.
          He searched through the fridge with his eyes to find mustard and food coloring. Finding ketchup, he used that as a substitute and added green color to it. Soon the ketchup was a very dark emerald.
          Carefully he added the finishing touch.
          The finished cake read "To General Shepherd With Love".
          Oh, there was love in there all right. All those poisons….that flashbang....but of course!
          Vladimir smiled again and set the cake inside the fridge.
A short, stupid but humorous story about Makarov.
I wrote this mainly for kicks and for the Mad-Dog-Killers group(sorry, I'd link to, but I don't know how D:).
And I couldn't resist having him use emoticons. I just couldn't.
This was extremely fun to write though!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconrenegad3spectre:
Renegad3Spectre Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
"Yes, it's me, Makarov. >:D"

I'm laughing so hard!
Please moar!!!!!
Reply
:iconreedluver:
ReEDLuver Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Very Very Bice can you make more please
Reply
:iconcarmine777:
Carmine777 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
THE BEST MAK SHORT STORY SO FAR!
Reply
:iconyessakuradiva:
YesSakuraDiva Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh my god

I did not stop laughing, great! xDDD
Reply
:iconlmatsuyamakenichi:
LMatsuyamaKenichi Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011
Omg, Its so funny lol
Reply
:iconthepokemon123941:
ThePokemon123941 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
lol XD
Reply
:iconspinosaurusdinosaur:
SpinosaurusDinosaur Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
rofl this is brillaiant stuff man!!
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
xD Thank you! (btw, i'm a girl x3)
Reply
:iconspinosaurusdinosaur:
SpinosaurusDinosaur Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh sorry...Madme (i meant no offense). no Problem, its great to see funny stories!
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
XD I know ya didn't. Again, thank you~
Reply
:iconspinosaurusdinosaur:
SpinosaurusDinosaur Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
no problem! :D
Reply
:iconvladimir-makarov:
Vladimir-Makarov Featured By Owner May 30, 2010
:heart:
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner May 30, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I had to.
Reply
:iconjohnsoapmactavish:
JohnSoapMacTavish Featured By Owner May 30, 2010
I could track him like nothin'!
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner May 30, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
OR COULD YOU.
Reply
:iconjohnsoapmactavish:
JohnSoapMacTavish Featured By Owner May 30, 2010
I COULD!
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner May 30, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
SURE?
Reply
:iconjohnsoapmactavish:
JohnSoapMacTavish Featured By Owner May 30, 2010
I AM SOAP MACTAVISH! I CAN TRACK ANY ONE!
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner May 30, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
ANYONE BUT THE MOST ELUSIVE MAN ON THE PLANET!
Reply
:iconjohnsoapmactavish:
JohnSoapMacTavish Featured By Owner May 30, 2010
EVEN HIM!
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner May 30, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
OKAY YOU WIN!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconergo--proxy:
ergo--proxy Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh meine gute. I rolf'd and cried.
Now i want cake made by Mickey~
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
But you would die :\
It's POISONOUS! That's why he baked it for Shepherd.
Reply
:iconergo--proxy:
ergo--proxy Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know~~
But Mak making pie, it's just cute~

Lol@ Kiril (my love) and pokemanz.
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
D'awz, ain't that just adorable, making a cake that'll explode in someone's face and kill 'em soon afterward?
You seem more like an Assassin's Creed fan to me. XD

And I figured, well, if I'm putting cake-baking, frightened Anatoly, emoticons, online chats with Soap, and calling Ghost 'that balaclava'd guy', why not make Kiril love Pokemon?
Reply
:iconergo--proxy:
ergo--proxy Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I srsly lol'd all over.

It had so many awesome elements.

I've never played AC... My best friend keeps telling me i should. When MW2 came out, he was like, "FFFFFF. 'Sin's Creed ftw"
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad! :D
And I am also glad that you acknowledge that :DDD

And you SHOULD! It has poison and hidden blades and swords and scimis and maces and axes and an epic storyline and LEONARDO DA VINCI AS A YOUNG GUY.
Reply
:iconergo--proxy:
ergo--proxy Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh meine gute~

I've wanted to since Casey (my bf) told me about it, i just haven't really thought about buying it. Too occupied with my DS and Spirit Tracks~ :D
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh ja, you must play. Assassin's Creed est der foshizzle.

Just try it sometime. Like if you see it at a store, play it. Even though the beginning is really slow and sucky, once you really get into it it's amazing.
And make sure it's the second one. The first one's terrible.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconooze-is-a-psyduck:
Ooze-Is-A-Psyduck Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2010
ROFL.
I lol'd.
:icongigglelaplz:
Reply
:icondragonair907:
dragonair907 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad! Thx~
:iconmakarovplz: :iconcakeplz:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:icondragonair907: More from dragonair907





Details

Submitted on
April 16, 2010
File Size
8.0 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,914
Favourites
22 (who?)
Comments
45
×